It's been sunny recently. Yes, I repeat, England has been sunny. And when it's sunny here everyone runs out in their speedos and bikinis and acts like it's a fucking mega summer in Spain. What sad, sad, deprived people we are.
Obviously I am one of these people. I like the sun, and I like summer itself (obviously it's not summer yet, just thought I'd throw that in). The sun wasn't out Saturday though. I expected it to be sunny but it wasn't unfortunately.
Actually, it was very, very unfortunate. Earlier in the week I'd ordered a new football (soccer ball) from Sports Direct. Friday, the day I expected it to arrive, I got an e-mail from them saying it was out of stock and that I was being refunded. Well, Sports-shit-Direct, thanks for fucking telling me! In fact, if whoever runs that God-awful piece of shit reads this, I'd just like you to know that the only reason you're popular is because you're cheap. However cheap and popular doesn't equal good my friend. Oh no. You just need to look at the women in Essex to see how that's true.
(OK, harsh joke and far from every woman in Essex is a whore, slag, slut, chav etc. I just like making Essex jokes which is ironic given I live here. Thing is I'm not exactly proud of that...)
Anyway, I'm doing another rant (oh yes, another one. My Google Glass one was just a warm up for what the bastards at Sports Direct can expect) on Sports Direct so I'll save all my insults for then.
So this ball obviously didn't show up because it wasn't in stock. Thing I don't get is why the fuck they e-mailed me this information on its expected day of arrival. I mean, you were supposed to have dispatched it 3 or so days ago, did you not notice it wasn't in stock THEN when you came to send it off? Or are you that shit you weren't actually gonna send it till today? Either way, fuck you.
Oh and by the way, it took a day for me to get my money back. I hadn't got the item and yet I was still out of pocket for a day. Makes sense.
So let's just take a quick look at the current situation I was in. It was Friday. I had made football (soccer) playing plans for the next day - Saturday. I had no football, though, and there was no way of getting one for the next day. Unless I ordered another ball, this time with one day Saturday delivery, from the douche bags who had just ripped me off. Sports Direct.
So that's what I did. Yep, I gave those money guzzling, ball juggling sons of a bitches an extra £7 - yes, SEVEN POUNDS - just to deliver it the the next day. And I obviously had to pay for the new ball too.
Then I realised something.
Then I realised the dooming fact that I knew meant this parcel would not reach me in time.
Then I cried a bit. Not really. Just though that would make it dramatic.
Then I sighed.
Then I looked at my friend, who looked at me, and then we said: "Yodel."
OK so that didn't happen, but it was being delivered by some self employed mug from Yodel who was probably busy eating a fucking sandwich while I waited for my Goddamn football. (By the way if you do work for Yodel as one of their self employed couriers and you are shit at delivering people's stuff on time, then please get a new job. If you do deliver on time then you need a pay rise and a medal.)
If you don't know about Yodel then let me explain. They are one of the many delivery companies that shops like Sports Direct and... and.... and yeah, shops, use to get your order to you. Basically, instead of using the actually very competent and good Royal Mail they use some shitty fuck-tarded company like Yodel. And if you don't already know, or haven't guessed already, Yodel. Are. Crap.
Yodel and UPS are probably the 2 worst delivery companies in the UK. But that's just my opinion.
Yodel don't even try to get your delivery to you on time. When you go onto their tracking website to, well, track your parcel, you'll notice it's really, really, really good. Like, one of the best tracking systems you've seen. This is because they know that their dumb fucking, self employed, stupid, lazy ass courier drivers are SO SHIT, that if they don't offer you the highest quality, most state of the art tracking service, then that parcel is poof. Gone. You need to track that muthafucker like the army. Watch it like a hawk. Ideally you would have the ability to watch the van delivering your parcel in real time, with overhead satellites beaming down a real time view of what the van is doing and where it is going. It will probably disappear into a tunnel and it will be code red time, with everyone running around shouting things like: "OH GOD WE LOST SIGHT OF THE YODEL COURIER VAN. REPEAT, THE VAN IS NO LONGER IN OUR VIEW." And then it will come out the other side of the tunnel and everyone will breathe a sigh of relief, because if you lose sight of that Yodel van, chances are you're never gonna see your package again. It's gone. Off into Yodel land.
If you want to be a Yodel driver you also gotta pass the 'delivering of the item' test. This test involves you telling the interviewer exactly what you would do if you pulled up to someone's house with the parcel and were about to deliver. Now this test may seem simple (we all know how to deliver a package right?) but it's actually very complex - at least it is for the seemingly inbred mental fools who Yodel employ (again, not saying they all are. I'm speaking in a general sense here.).
Obviously, being Yodel, they don't want people who do it the simple way. No, they don't want people who take the parcel out the van and walk up to the front door and knock. No. They want people who think differently, who do it another way, who think outside the box kinda thing.
So what must you do with the parcel if you want to be a delivery driver for Yodel? Well there's a few things you can do. What some Yodel drivers do is they take the parcel, walk up to your door, they pretend to knock, they roll their eyes like they have just knocked but you haven't answered, then they either A) Take the parcel back to the van and drive off. Good luck getting your item now. B) Lob it over your gate, fence, wall etc. and let you find it later. Or C) They take your likely expensive and valuable package and leave it in the most ridiculously awful place ever. Like in your bin. Or right behind the wheel of your car.
Do they ever do what they say on the website? Like knock? No. Like, if you aren't in, leave it in a dry spot out of the view on the public? Rarely. Like leave it with a neighbour? I don't think I even need to answer that one...
Yeah. So basically that's why Yodel suck. Anyway. Back on topic.
So I knew it wasn't gonna get here for hours given it was being delivered by the Arsenal FC of delivery companies. So me and my buddy, we went out with the intention of buying yet another football from the shops that we could use just for today. To cut a long story short, the ball we bought was terrible. It was the worst £2.50 (the ball cost £5 but we went halves) I've ever spent on a piece of sporting equipment. In fact, it was so awful we went back to the shop and put it back after half and hour of using it. We just went back and gave it back to the guy and didn't say a word to him.
Saturday also failed because it was raining for almost the entire day (so much for sunny). So that screwed up any football playing plans too. Luckily there is one way of playing football on a rainy day. Yep, FIFA. Unfortunately FIFA is about as consistent as Yodel so yeah... Good fun...
The ball did arrive by the way, and admittedly the guy DID knock. So I'll let you off this time Yodel. But just stay away from my package next time OK? And I didn't mean that sexually either.
Sunday was good though. Was very warm. I went out and bought a takeaway burger and chips from my local fish & chip shop for lunch. It was nice but half the chips I was given were green and/or bruised as hell.
After that I went and walked the dogs with my sister and her boyfriend, Joe. We went to a really, really, really nice wooded place called Belfairs. It's got a golf course there and everything. There was this really awesome stream that was about ankle, sometimes knee, deep.
Later on me and Joe went and had a game of football. I was already knackered though so my shooting was awful.
Yesterday (Monday) was sunny too, and it sort of got me thinking about how motivating and demotivating the nice weather can be. On the one hand everything seems really nice given how bright and warm it is. On the other hand it can seem very exhausting and slightly depressing (to me at least). I can't put my finger on why, but I don't ever really feel extremely happy or sad when the sun is out and its a nice day.
However despite this I kept on eating. Ulcers aren't actually caused by eating sweets and/or chocolate and unhealthy shit by the way. What causes most ulcers is simply trauma to your mouth and/or stress and things like that. It just so happens that unhealthy things like chocolate, crisps and sweets cause A LOT of mouth trauma, so they get a reputation for being the sole cause of common mouth ulcers when they're not. You can get an ulcer from brushing your teeth or eating fruit and vegetables. All an ulcer is, is a scrape, cut, pinch etc. inside the mouth. And obviously a scrape or cut can be caused by any kind of food. It just so happens, like I said, that the 'foods' that tend to scrape and cut our mouths more are unhealthy ones.
So I had this horrid ulcer and I kept on eating all the food I wanted, including the unhealthy ones. I ignored the pain for days. Now in my mind, me doing this should do nothing but aggravate my ulcer more, right? If you have an open wound on your arm and you keep falling over and rolling on it then that wound isn't going to heal is it? No. So surely my ulcer would either stay like it was or, if anything, get WORSE due to me eating so much stuff and not going out of my way to let my mouth recover? Well apparently not. My ulcer, after being with me about a week, seemed to say: "Well fuck this. I've had enough Pringles and cake and fucking chocolate, I'm outta here" and then left. Yep, my ulcer just packed up its bags and fucked off even though I was still doing things, like eating a lot of crap, that should surely have made it worse.
With this new found knowledge that ulcers are actually giant pussies that run the moment you don't back down from them, I will never let one get the better of me and dictate my diet. You hear that ulcers? We're onto you. We're gonna bring your system down, and when you know there's nothing left you're gonna run like all the rest. Because we won't back down.
Anyway, how was your weekend and bank holiday Monday? Do you even like bank holidays? I don't know why but I kinda don't like them. Don't know why. Anyway, leave your brain thoughts in the comments section. PEACE.