Monday, 29 July 2013

Who Am I?

Who are you?

Who am I?

I don't know.

I'm a very complicated person. I have issues, like everyone. I have pros and cons. I am me. But I've always been this hard to deal with, stubborn as hell person who can't understand themselves for shit. I'm complicated. That's the most I know about me.

I can know myself, yes, and you can know me, but in the end, the question 'Who am I?' is never answered.

People frequently think of me as this shy person who doesn't know what to say or how to act but that is a massive misconception. Frankly, I do not care what I say or how I act because I don't care if someone will point at me and laugh because, in the end, if I make a bad joke and you act like it's an awkward thing, that's your problem. I'm just me. I'm cool. You've got the issue. I'm still a happy bunny.

The reason this misconception happens in the first place though is because I have fairly high anxiety. This makes me consistently worry about anything and everything. My blog. My life. Me. The way I speak. The words I say. The things I do. Money. What I buy. What I eat. What I drink. The people in my life. The safety of myself and others. The world. Anything you see me do and any choice I make or am faced with you can bet I'm worrying about. Most of all though, I worry about who I am and my morale status.

Am I a good person?

That's something my anxiety forces me to ask myself every minute. Am I a good person? Do I say and do nice things? Is there a line I cross? Is that bad? Is doing this OK? Or morally wrong? 

Every situation I find myself in, I am thinking, observing and trying to sort my jumbled mind into some sort of organised locker. I try to get things straight and analyse what is going on and how it affects me. When that's done I can work out if I am being good, bad, a dick, a nice person or whatever else and I can decide what to say and do next. 

When people propose something unusual or risky to me, I instantly wonder if I should go ahead with it. I'm terrified of being morally wrong and a bad person.
However this, what I just said, makes me hypocritical. Why? Because I've done things that were blatantly wrong many times in the past. I don't want to be in the wrong, morally, but I already have been a massive amount of times.

Who am I?

Let's revisit that first question.

I ask myself this all the time: "What would I do? What would I say? How would I act?". I think to myself,  how would Michael react to this? How would Michael deal with this? What would Michael say? Why? Why do I address my like this, in third person? I don't know.

I never go out of my way to be a certain way. I'm just, well, me, really. I'm never one extreme or the other. I'm just normal ol' Michael.

It's funny because I've been called boring, which I am, but I've also been called extremely mental, which I also am. My personality and who I am as a person is never here nor there. It's never there nor here. 

You'll perceive me in your own way, of course. Everyone does that to everyone. They categorise them and label them. 

"You're a dick."

"You're funny."

"You're a flirt."

"You're boring."

"You're dopey."

But in the end, you are who you are. And in my case, while I don't know who I am because I am such a complicated person, I am me. Just me.

Who am I? That's a good question. A damn good question. One I don't think I can ever answer.

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