I thought it might be over.
I though, or rather prayed (ah who am I kidding? I don't pray), that those bastards at EA had changed the game for the better. That they'd fixed all the issues that FIFA 13 had and righted all the wrongs.
But hey, guess what? They haven't. The game still pisses me the fuck off and here the fuck is why. Oh and if you hadn't noticed already, you over sensitive dick-eater, this muthafucking rant is gonna contain a lot of muthafucking swear words so either read the fuck on and relate or fuck off and cry. Let's do this shit.
Reason Number Muthafucking One: The Goalkeepers Are Wank
FIFA 13 made some worthy adjustments to the quality of the goalkeepers from its predecessor FIFA 12, but FIFA 14 takes a leap all the way back to the 2011 installment by making the GK's ABSOLUTELY WANK. Like, terrible. Like, utterly moronic. The game is a goal-fest, but for all the wrong reasons, one of them being that the man in-between the sticks can't save a fucking shot to save his pathetic life.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes goalkeepers have amazing games, but this is usually when the game is blatantly scripted against you (example: you get a dozen shots, all saved, and the opponent gets 2 shots and scores both). However a good 85% of the time you can be sure the goalkeepers are too busy picking their noses to bother actually making a fucking save. They're shambolic and rubbish.
Reason Number Muthafucking Two: There Are Sperm With More Brains Than The AI
The improved AI in FIFA 13 was noticeably better. However in FIFA 14 it seems that EA forgot to add in the part of the game that gives the players brains.
First of all attackers are the laziest fucks in the world. Make. A. Fucking. Run. PLEASE. I''M FUCKING BEGGING YOU. MAKE A RUN YOU LAZY PRICK. WHY DO YOU STAND THERE LIKE AN IDIOT?
You basically have to read your striker's non existent mind and play a through ball at exactly the right time and pray he has enough strength to push the defender behind him out the way and get through on goal. Because if you don't you'll be hanging around for the full 90 minutes with the ball in midfield wondering why the fucking hell Lewandowski is ambling around like a dopey prick.
Then you have the defending AI. Are defenders incapable of marking? Yet again? Just like in FIFA 12? Why is it so hard to make AI mark the opponent's Goddamn players?
If there's a winger running down the side about to cross the ball in you better hope to fucking God that you block that shit because if you let that mofoing ball into your penalty area you can be sure none of your sorry ass defenders will be marking the other guy's strikers that are standing RIGHT IN MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING BOX. COMPLETELY. UNMARKED. WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST WHY? WHY ARE NONE OF MY DEFENDERS MARKING THEM? WHY? WHY? I've actually ejaculated sperm out of my penis that has more intelligence than these crappy players.
Aside from that, the defenders can't hustle people of the ball well either. Apparently both Hummels and Subotic couldn't knock Doumbia off the ball and he somehow managed to push both defenders out the way and get through on goal. Yeah, don't fucking ask. That's what you've got to do with this game if you want to 'enjoy' it; don't ask questions. Otherwise you'll realise what a massive pile of crap it is.
Reason Number Muthafucking Three: FUT Is Still As Scripted As Gok Wan's Arse Is Fucked
Blah blah blah blah blah, FUT is still scripted as expected.
Either that or you're telling me that getting all 15 shots on target saved by a usually shit keeper, yet conceding all 3 shots that the other guy has is normal gameplay. And I find that impossible to believe. So, yeah, FUT is still a pile of wank.
Reason Number Muthafucking Four: The Refs And Linesman Are Literally AIDS
Oh look Falcao is through on goal. Oh look he's offside. Oh look he wasn't really offside he was in line but it was still given as offside anyway. *Yawn* How normal.
Oh look Farfan was just shoved violently off the ball then tripped up by another player. Oh look the ref doesn't give a shit. *Double yawn* How utterly, mind numbingly, boringly normal.
Yep, the refs and linesman are so shit they gave me (not literally) AIDS. Anything surprising here? No? OK moving on.
Reason Number Muthafucking Five: Crosses Are Overpowered And There's No Reason To Play Any Other WayThere is actually no reason to bother trying to score normal goals in FIFA 14. And when I say 'normal goals' I mean one that you work on through the midfield before capitalising on with a great shot.
Why? Because crosses and headers are so OP you can literally spend an entire match crossing in dozens of balls and you can be guaranteed at least a couple of them will go in. Corners are just as overpowered too. It's so dry it's boring. There's no reason to play any other way and if you don't at least cross a moderate amount then you'll get slaughtered by the spam crossers.
There's nothing wrong with crossing but it's stupid how scoring a normal goal is hard yet scoring a cross is easy. It makes playing any other way pointless.
Reason Number Muthafucking Six: The Game Freezes For NO REASON WHATSOEVER
Oh look I just scored! Woop woop! Time to celebrate with this awesome celebration I just unlocked annnnnnnnnd yep. The game's frozen.
You get no awards for predicting FIFA 14 would have some fucking annoying bugs of some kind because EA is incapable of making a football game that is bug free. Hey, you know what though? Maybe they'll actually patch this one and, ya know, actually fix it.
Ahahahahahaha yeah sorry, I'll stop dreaming now.
Reason Number Muthafucking SEVEN: It's Just Not That Fun Anymore
FIFA 14 is actually really quite realistic compared to FIFA 13. Unless you just go crossing your way to victory, scoring goals is more of a thoughtful, rewarding and very stressful experience. But that's not really a great thing. FIFA 14 sure does have issues but it's not these things that really kill it for me. The problem with the game is it's just not that fun any more It's slow in the extreme, bland after a few matches, repetitive and boring. It lacks the unpredictability and the 'every match is unique and brilliant' way real football has, so the fact it plays more realistic is almost completely pointless. It would be fun if the entire thing was more like the real game, where every match really is unique and different. But they're not. The game is standard. The only realistic thing about it is you can't really score at will any more. It's slower and 'harder'. But in the end it still feels like a game and it is a game, so slow and bland isn't good. It's just boring.
FIFA 14 isn't that fun. And that's its biggest problem. It lacks anything that really stands out. Every match is a slow and repetitive. There's really not much joy to be had here.
It's tragic really, there really aren't any good football games any more. Wow. What the fuck happened?