1: Sexy Time!
As much as sexuality means absolutely nothing, it's hard to defend football as not being a 'gay' sport when all the players on FIFA 13 seem to love having orgies together in the middle of the game. I guess the whole 'footballers are sex addicted maniacs' cliche that John Terry created is pretty true.
It's late in the game and you're drawing. Seems the game is going to end even. Hang on, what the fuck just happened? Apparently your defenders have just dropped their pants and began having a gangbang with the other player's striker. They're laying on the floor, stuck together, tangled and can't get up.
Meanwhile the other guy has got through your basically open defence and has scored. Great job defenders. Great fucking job. I guess this is why JT isn't very popular on FUT.
2: What A Lovely View!
We can all admire the beauty of the stadiums like the San Siro and Nu Camp. Not only are the stadiums themselves amazing but the crowds only add to the visual satisfaction you get from looking around the place.
But players should be used to this, right? Right? RIGHT? I guess that's why we never see them stop and stare in awe. Well, not in real life.
Oh, but this isn't real life right? This is FIFA! And apparently your players - defenders especially - just love to sight see! They've been in over 300 FUT matches but they still love to go walk about and take in the view.
Through ball to Remy? Uh, hang on, where is Chiellini? WHAT THE FUCK? CHIELLINI GET BACK IN DEFENCE, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING? THERE'S AN OPEN GAP IN DEFENCE AND YOU'RE NOT COVERING IT!
Oops...Too late...He scored....
3: Contain like a fool, tackle like a twat and fall-over like Ronaldo
the word 'consistency' is not one that EA knows very well. Or the defenders in FUT. Why is it they can play a great game and then HOLY fuck they become shit?
Whether you hold down the A/X button to contain or do it the more manual way by simply holding the left-trigger, your defenders sometimes just won't contain properly. You'll know what I mean if you've experienced it. They won't tackle properly either, and if they try to, they'll fall over and then there will be a MASSIVE hole in the defence that the opponent exploits. What the actual fuck EA?
4: 90th Minute, BITCH!!!
Hey it's the 90th minute! We're gonna win this boys! Take a bow. He was a good opponent, but not good enough! I think you did especially well Reus! You better get man of the match or ima be pissed! And my defenders ACTUALLY defended well!
He scored. He scored. He FUCKING SCORED.
How did this happen?
Well let me guess, you're defenders probably decided to take a picnic and think that because it's the 90th minute they no longer need to defend?! And he simply cruised past everyone and scored a 90th minute goal easy-peasy?!
Or maybe it was a corner? Yeah, gotta love 90th minute corners. They never miss, do they EA?
5: Y U NO RUN?
Getting the ball up the field isn't the hardest thing in the world. When you have your most creative midfielders on the ball it should be pretty easy to create chances and send good balls forward for your strikers to chase.
But, uh, they can't exactly chase them if they don't actually, well....Ya'know...RUN.
Over 90 positioning and you just stand there? WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB STRIKER?
It stays like this for the entire match and you can't possibly win because your strikers just won't Goddamn move. You're literally stuck in midfield with, I don't know, Pirlo say, on the ball and he is just holding onto it because no-one is making a run. And then he's about to lose it so you decide to send forward a hopeful through-ball for Aguero to chase and of course he stands no chance of reaching it because he didn't bother making himself available for the pass in the first fucking place.
Also, who loves it when there is a massive gap in the defence and instead of running into it, your second striker runs into your own striker? No-one loves that? Really? Wow....OK... Why'd you put it in the game then EA? Yeah, fuck you too.
Lag. Lag. That one feared word. Lag.
Why does the game lag at the worst times? Yeah...I have nothing to say here...I have no explanation....
7: Damn, Servers
This is how the EA 'anti rage quitting' brainstorm went down:
Peter Moore: "Hey guys! So obviously you've taken a break from wiping your asses with people's money and have come here today to look like you're doing work! We're going to brainstorm and figure out how to stop people rage quitting! Now obviously we have the DNF system in place. But people still rage quite all the time. So what do we do?"
Intelligent EA Pawn: "Why don't we improve the game itself so people don't actually rage quit? See if we made it better, then matches would play out more fairly and players wouldn't get pissed!" *beaming face as he thinks he just made a brilliant suggestion*
Peter Moore: "..... Get Out. GET OUT NOW YOU LITTLE BITCH. GET OOOOOOOOUUUUUT!!!"
*Peter Moore straightens tie and smiles superficially*
Peter Moore: "Now, anyone who isn't completely retarded want to suggest something? Don't be shy..."
Ass Kissing EA Pawn: "I know! Why don't we disconnect people from our servers then blame THEM for disconnecting and give them a DNF?!"
Peter Moore: "Oh you really know how to impress me. Let's....Meet later for a....Coffee..." *cheeky wink*
8: Now That's Good Head
Corner. No goal. Corner. No goal. Corner. GOAL! Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal. Corner. No Goal.
That's how corners go normally. But then suddenly you play a match and instead of ^^^^THAT, your opponent is like THIS:
Corner. GOAL. Corner. GOAL. Corner. No Goal. Corner: No. Goal. Corner: GOAL.
Yeah because your defenders suddenly forgot how to mark and Chiellini can't jump anymore....
Great slide tackle David Luiz! Good lad! Hang on.... Hang on....No....No...No, no, no, no - WHAT THE FUDGE CAKE WITH ICE-CREAM?
Good tackles are punishable by penalties on FIFA 13, apparently. Nice going ref.
OK so sometimes a foul is committed and it IS a penalty. But why the fuck did the AI commit the foul? You don't go fouling people in the pen area because you felt like it you fucked up defender. Why does this happen? It's bonkers. If a penalty is going to be conceded, let it be because YOU made the foul YOURSELF. Not because your defenders just randomly decided to all become Pepe.
10: Walcott! Walcott Everywhere!
I didn't know that you could get magic 'speed juice' in FIFA 13. Oh, you can't? Then how come ALL the opponents players can run at 1 Bazllion miles-per hour? All your passes are intercepted and as soon as the other person sends a through-ball forward, your defenders are left behind by that little bitch Esswein.
You can't compete. Everything is against you. There's no way to dominate the game if your players are being all normal and their players are on fucking speed.
And even they're defenders are crazy fast. And it's John Terry in defence! How in fucks name does that work? It doesn't. Just like EA's logic.
11: Fuck This. I Pass.
The match starts and you instantly pass to one of your wingers. But the ball just rolls out for a throw-in.
OK, bad start. You get the ball back and pass it forward, but it simply goes to one of the other perosn's players.
And the match continues like this throughout. You can't possibly score because you can't keep the ball. Your players just can't fucking pass.
What the fuck happened to your players? Why can't Xavi pass the ball 10 yards? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
12: DEFENDERS UNITE
I like you getting back to help out the defenders, Falcao. I really do, but stay forward because otherwise we can't counter attack, right?
Woah - you too Di Natale? Why are you getting back too?
And you Ozil and you Lucas? What is going on?
OK let's counter attack. Oh wait, we can't because there is no-one forward.
At this moment you check your strategy balance. It's Neutral. Then why is every player you have getting back but NOT forward?
You're forced to go Ultra-Attacking in order to make your players get forward and *attempt* to make runs but then that is too extreme and your defenders are forward too and so you concede. There's no winning really is there, EA?
What is this, Defenders Unite?
13: Super-Keeper! (And Some Total Bullshit)
Sometimes matches seem so right. You are getting the ball easily, keeping possession and getting shots in. But you're not scoring. Hmmm.
10 shots on target later and your opponent gets a break. They come forward then take a dodgy longshot. It goes in.
Hang on, isn't that their first shot on target? And it was a longshot? And you've had better and MORE chances (10 to be exact) and you haven't scored?
Hey then he scores again. Meanwhile the other person's keeper is saving everything you have. Fuck Cech I want this guy! Oh wait, it's Victor Valdes, I don't want him! HANG ON, HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SAVE ALL THESE? HE'S SHIT!
And so it ends. You lose (draw if you're lucky). Gotta love FIFA 13.
Here are some of the best comments left on my two previous angry FIFA 13 articles:
"Why when I play FIFA 13 online my players run so slow compared to my opponents? Are they using a cheat code or something? Its almost like my players are running in quicksand and my opponents every player including there center backs have rockets on there backs. Does anyone know what my opponents are doing? Please Dont tell me I just suck and Dont know how to play. I can play with real Madrid and my opponent have Ac Milan and every one of there players as soon as the game starts runs circles around me."
"I want to know what the f*** you're doing that makes your man run so fast I'm playing online with Manchester United they can use the worst team in the league do guys want circle around me like my guys have skunk Creek boots on and they got rocket jets up there ass this is b******* I know the cheating with some kind of cold or something I need somebody to come forward and tell me what the hell do doing because you can't even play this online this is b******* is bleeding cheating I play against the guy they have no skills whatsoever all they do is make the guys want fast and wanting to you not your man over in school or you can even get the ball pass have half quart or half midfield I'm so sick of the s***"