Sunday, 27 October 2013

FIFA 14 Pisses Me The Fuck Off PART 3


I thought it might be over.

I though, or rather prayed (ah who am I kidding? I don't pray), that those bastards at EA had changed the game for the better. That they'd fixed all the issues that FIFA 13 had and righted all the wrongs.

But hey, guess what? They haven't. The game still pisses me the fuck off and here the fuck is why. Oh and if you hadn't noticed already, you over sensitive dick-eater, this muthafucking rant is gonna contain a lot of muthafucking swear words so either read the fuck on and relate or fuck off and cry. Let's do this shit.

Reason Number Muthafucking One: The Goalkeepers Are Wank

FIFA 13 made some worthy adjustments to the quality of the goalkeepers from its predecessor FIFA 12, but FIFA 14 takes a leap all the way back to the 2011 installment by making the GK's ABSOLUTELY WANK. Like, terrible. Like, utterly moronic. The game is a goal-fest, but for all the wrong reasons, one of them being that the man in-between the sticks can't save a fucking shot to save his pathetic life. 

Don't get me wrong, sometimes goalkeepers have amazing games, but this is usually when the game is blatantly scripted against you (example: you get a dozen shots, all saved, and the opponent gets 2 shots and scores both). However a good 85% of the time you can be sure the goalkeepers are too busy picking their noses to bother actually making a fucking save. They're shambolic and rubbish. 

Reason Number Muthafucking Two: There Are Sperm With More Brains Than The AI

The improved AI in FIFA 13 was noticeably better. However in FIFA 14 it seems that EA forgot to add in the part of the game that gives the players brains. 

First of all attackers are the laziest fucks in the world. Make. A. Fucking. Run. PLEASE. I''M FUCKING BEGGING YOU. MAKE A RUN YOU LAZY PRICK. WHY DO YOU STAND THERE LIKE AN IDIOT? 
You basically have to read your striker's non existent mind and play a through ball at exactly the right time and pray he has enough strength to push the defender behind him out the way and get through on goal. Because if you don't you'll be hanging around for the full 90 minutes with the ball in midfield wondering why the fucking hell Lewandowski is ambling around like a dopey prick.

Then you have the defending AI. Are defenders incapable of marking? Yet again? Just like in FIFA 12? Why is it so hard to make AI mark the opponent's Goddamn players?

If there's a winger running down the side about to cross the ball in you better hope to fucking God that you block that shit because if you let that mofoing ball into your penalty area you can be sure none of your sorry ass defenders will be marking the other guy's strikers that are standing RIGHT IN MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING BOX. COMPLETELY. UNMARKED. WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST WHY? WHY ARE NONE OF MY DEFENDERS MARKING THEM? WHY? WHY? I've actually ejaculated sperm out of my penis that has more intelligence than these crappy players.

Aside from that, the defenders can't hustle people of the ball well either. Apparently both Hummels and Subotic couldn't knock Doumbia off the ball and he somehow managed to push both defenders out the way and get through on goal. Yeah, don't fucking ask. That's what you've got to do with this game if you want to 'enjoy' it; don't ask questions. Otherwise you'll realise what a massive pile of crap it is.

Reason Number Muthafucking Three: FUT Is Still As Scripted As Gok Wan's Arse Is Fucked

Blah blah blah blah blah, FUT is still scripted as expected. 

Either that or you're telling me that getting all 15 shots on target saved by a usually shit keeper, yet conceding all 3 shots that the other guy has is normal gameplay. And I find that impossible to believe. So, yeah, FUT is still a pile of wank.  

Reason Number Muthafucking Four: The Refs And Linesman Are Literally AIDS

Oh look Falcao is through on goal. Oh look he's offside. Oh look he wasn't really offside he was in line but it was still given as offside anyway. *Yawn* How normal.

Oh look Farfan was just shoved violently off the ball then tripped up by another player. Oh look the ref doesn't give a shit. *Double yawn* How utterly, mind numbingly, boringly normal.

Yep, the refs and linesman are so shit they gave me (not literally) AIDS. Anything surprising here? No? OK moving on.

Reason Number Muthafucking Five: Crosses Are Overpowered And There's No Reason To Play Any Other Way

There is actually no reason to bother trying to score normal goals in FIFA 14. And when I say 'normal goals' I mean one that you work on through the midfield before capitalising on with a great shot. 

Why? Because crosses and headers are so OP you can literally spend an entire match crossing in dozens of balls and you can be guaranteed at least a couple of them will go in. Corners are just as overpowered too. It's so dry it's boring. There's no reason to play any other way and if you don't at least cross a moderate amount then you'll get slaughtered by the spam crossers. 

There's nothing wrong with crossing but it's stupid how scoring a normal goal is hard yet scoring a cross is easy. It makes playing any other way pointless.

Reason Number Muthafucking Six: The Game Freezes For NO REASON WHATSOEVER

Oh look I just scored! Woop woop! Time to celebrate with this awesome celebration I just unlocked annnnnnnnnd yep. The game's frozen. 

You get no awards for predicting FIFA 14 would have some fucking annoying bugs of some kind because EA is incapable of making a football game that is bug free. Hey, you know what though? Maybe they'll actually patch this one and, ya know, actually fix it. 

Ahahahahahaha yeah sorry, I'll stop dreaming now.

Reason Number Muthafucking SEVEN: It's Just Not That Fun Anymore

FIFA 14 is actually really quite realistic compared to FIFA 13. Unless you just go crossing your way to victory, scoring goals is more of a thoughtful, rewarding and very stressful experience. But that's not really a great thing. FIFA 14 sure does have issues but it's not these things that really kill it for me. The problem with the game is it's just not that fun any more  It's slow in the extreme, bland after a few matches, repetitive and boring. It lacks the unpredictability and the 'every match is unique and brilliant' way real football has, so the fact it plays more realistic is almost completely pointless. It would be fun if the entire thing was more like the real game, where every match really is unique and different. But they're not. The game is standard. The only realistic thing about it is you can't really score at will any more. It's slower and 'harder'. But in the end it still feels like a game and it is a game, so slow and bland isn't good. It's just boring. 

FIFA 14 isn't that fun. And that's its biggest problem. It lacks anything that really stands out. Every match is a slow and repetitive. There's really not much joy to be had here.

It's tragic really, there really aren't any good football games any more. Wow. What the fuck happened?

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Video Games DO Influence People. And That's OK.

First of all, before I get into this article, I'd like to say: I'M BACK BIATCHES!!! Yes, after a hearty break that has lasted nearly a month (over a month if you count from my last proper article), I. Am. Back. I got a lot of the shit in my life sorted and I finally feel ready to, once again, write and stuff. I feel fresh and clean and I'm ready to go! I think for the sake of my content that break was totally necessary. The previous update I posted has been taken down as I felt that it went a bit too far. I thought I was done with writing but honestly I just needed that nice break. So I'm back, and I won't stop writing. I get that my views have dipped (although not as badly as I anticipated) but I honestly don't care if there's only a couple of you guys still reading my shit. Let's. A do. A this.

So moving onto the actual article topic, and I wanted to share my honest opinion about video games and how they 'influence' people. After all that GTA V controversy I thought I'd have my (rather late) say.

I'm probably going to upset a lot of hardcore gamers out there when I say this, but video games DO influence people.

But wait, wait, WAIT. That's 100% OK. In fact, if they didn't influence us, we wouldn't really be the complex humans we are.

First of all by 'influence' I don't necessarily mean 'make go out and murder a mall full of people'. I'm talking about 'influence' in a more slight sense. Playing GTA V won't make someone go out and kill 10 people, but it might influence them to it if they've already got mental problems and violent issues.

My point is that people with particular tendencies can have those tendencies exploited by various sources. And it's a 'duh, no shit' situation.
Is it even remotely surprising that unstable or vulnerable people are easily influenced by outside sources? Of course not. Far from it.

People take advantage of other people all. The. Time. And they can do this through influence. Influence reaches different levels from simple insinuation that leads to particular action being taken by the other individual, to direct telling or ordering and even brainwashing.

The people that do the influencing are usually cunning people who know how to exploit people's weaknesses and get what they want, while the influenced person is usually either weak, unstable, worried, concerned, scared, fearful of upsetting the other person and generally isn't a very dominant character. You know the kind of person I'm referring to though, right?! We've all met at least a few people like this. People who you say something to and their opinion immediately changes to accommodate yours. Or if they seem uncertain of something you suggested they'll still go along with it easily because they're just not very dominant or 'certain' as it were.

 So obviously it's clear that influencing people and being influenced is natural, and something we can easily achieve ourselves.

All the people that were 'addicted' to video games who have gone out and killed didn't do that because of the game, but because their mental state was already in that position. They were already prepared to kill. The video games just fed their violent urges.

But that. Is. Fine.

Why? Because first of all, as I pointed out, influence is natural and you can't have a go at a video game for influencing a nutter to blow himself up when humans influence each other all the time to do negative things. Hell, just look at cults and mass suicides. Were video games responsible for those? Nope. But influence was. And that's why games aren't the issue. It's simply influence itself. It will always be there and everything and anything can do it.

Games, movies, people, music, TV - even the very thing that reports on the issue: the media. Yes, the media is the most hypocritical thing in the world. Newspapers and news sources preach peace and unity and 'banning video games' with one hand while furiously and violently masturbating to all the people they manage to influence with the other. It's why the media fucking exists. That is the purpose of it. It's legal propaganda. If a newspaper has a particular stance on something, then you can be sure their aim is to make every single fucking reader of it agree with them.

It's called the power of the press. And it can help people who have had terrible ordeals or outrageous things happen to them get into the spotlight to get justice, but it can also destroy lives. The key with the press is you are never in control. Whether the media is your enemy or ally is determined entirely by whether they want to spin your story as one that positively or negatively affects you. Will they make you out to be the arsehole or the hero? Guess what; you don't decide.

The media is irresponsible to the max. Influence is their purpose. Their aim. Their point. Yet they oppose things such as video games for influencing people too. The media does WORSE influencing, however, than any video game or movie to ever exist. Journalists have absolutely no issue with printing a trillion stories about someone and ma
king every human being alive hate the shit out of them for no apparent reason, but a game like GTA can't feature guns and murdering because it might inadvertently tip some already unstable maniac over the edge? Yeah. Sure. Carry on.

What's more, even if games didn't influence people. Even if, somehow, despite the fact that everything that exists influences humans somehow, video games didn't actually have any psychological effect on us, people would still be influenced by movies. And TV. And music. And every other thing in our lives. So why pick on games anyway?

Let's face it, our lives are just one massive barrage of influential content trying to make us think this way and do things that way. Ads are everywhere trying to get you to buy the latest this and the latest fucking that, while the media is trying to make you support this political party and that political party and hate this celeb and that celeb, while the political parties themselves are trying to influence you to vote for them over the others and the celebs are trying to convince you to pay attention to them so they can get their latest pay check and blah blah blah blah blah.

Life is just one massive clusterfuck of information and 90% of it is pointless bullshit. So go home, stick in GTA V, blow up a fictional version of L.A. and have a fucking blast.

If you want to follow me on twitter, which you probably don't, and ready my depressive, cynical, ironic and dumb tweets about shit you probably don't give a flying squirrels arse about, then follow me @mookyst.

If you have anything to add or want to share your opinion then please comment. I love hearing your thoughts because if you post something interesting we can have a conversation about it and if you post something incredibly dumb and hateful (like"this is gay") then I can take a screen cap of it and humiliate you on twitter. Peace out people.